Trauma Bonds and Trust Funds

This title probably has nothing to do with anything I’m about to write but someone so good sent me those words and it sparked something that is going to follow, she is also so fab and very entertaining. I’m going to share a link to her page and you BETTER go follow her! (IYKYK): https://www.tiktok.com/@tay_talk_tok?_t=ZM-8yKFt2Hb5Gg&_r=1

I always wrote as therapy, this Simple thing  isn’t an attempt at me being a content creator, I am just sharing some of my thoughts and expressing myself and being very personal and sharing a bunch of words that you might not understand but that’s all this has been, because I often go back and don’t really know what I was rambling on about but find some purpose or nugget in my writing that I needed to read.

I’m not looking for attention, trying to be cool or show off something. I recently looked at my page views and the product focused writing gets a lot less than I would like and my more personal stuff gets way more than I am comfortable with, but this is also me putting myself in the uncomfortable because it’s all about a lesson or reason somewhere and somehow. I might get lost in the world and forget about the purpose of this and share more review things but that’s just what it’s going to be, because that’s hard enough sometimes, trying to make something perfect and even though I know it never will be, I have an obsession with trying. At the end of the day I don’t want anything out this and sharing these are not for views and to share.

In 2024 when we all shared our year wrap up video and I changed mine for some unknown reason and went something very different to I have ever done and it really was hard to actually post something that’s a non-Lightroom’ed, personal, raw side of me. It smade more sense to me when I got some of the comments and messages from that post. Not to change your life, but that we all feel alone at times and we will never go through the same thing but we all need to remember that we all go through things. Which is not my normal strategy I have for my own social media, which is quite honestly very thought out. The content I post on my Instagram is not fake or pretending to be someone I’m not, I just select what side of my life to share because I will give you what I am comfortable knowing you can judge me on whatever it is and not on the real side of me. Some things are too personal and believe it or not, I am very private with things that go on in my life and what I really have to say. You probably saying that this isn’t true but you don’t really know all of me and I know this as fact because I thought I had me figured out, but life has made me very aware that I’m not even close to knowing everything about myself.

I don’t want to lose myself again because when I get to understand myself better I always find a piece of a puzzle on why I do things. When it comes to the articles like this one, I don’t know what comes to mind next but I will write it and waffle on for as long as I like because that’s how I always did it and I somehow manage to find someone who can relate or feels better about life:

The title of this got me somehow, and I didn’t know why but I laughed a little bit and then grabbed my laptop and just starting doing this – writing something that will be meaningful in a way that I need to say something and maybe you find it relatable or read it with an open mind about me, but here we are.

Trauma Bonds are something crazy that I somehow have made part of me, and I really find the whole idea quite funny when I joke with some friends about how a trauma opened a beautiful pathway to a friendship or experience and when I’m lucky a new lesson or understanding. It’s also a realization that we are all going through life with so much to carry on our shoulders and in our hearts, yet we do some weird things to one another in this rollercoaster we call normal.

My biggest eye opener and lesson in life is how naïve I am / can be / was as a human. I really believed something very different and a lot more pure than what is really going on, and was given a fat slap by life and that was a beautiful lesson, even if it was a hard hurdle at the time, it made for a better me and a person who doesn’t just think in the ways I wanted to but now being a lot more strategic in how I do thinks, but the trauma bond that comes from it are real, and real is simple, and simple is what I am all about. You see – you have no idea what the hell I am saying but that makes so much sense to me.

I also realized that I don’t communicate like most human, and I was blissfully unaware of how confusing I can be to people when I try say something. I say something and I get reactions that I am still trying to figure out because how did you take that out of what I meant and be to be kind and genuine because I sit with a lot of ideas about what and who I am. I look back at things that have sparked debate and upset and I realized that my passion comes across as aggression, my love can seem extreme and unpredictable and my genuine vulnerability often caused conflict. I have been struggling with myself and why can I feel so pure but be seen as so bad.

I’m not sure about how to get the emotion and good-intent across yet, but being aware of things and being able to admit and notice stuff is something I am enjoying and learning from, because when I say I am aware of something I do it’s not always easy, but growth never is. Nothing worthy is ever easy.

Trauma is also something I have been exploring a lot more lately, not because I want to but because it has come up in the most bizarre ways – discovering and understanding that things happen when I don’t expect them to because I planned something else. But, then I realized why life should be lived with an open mind, because that’s how I learn the most about myself. I’ll explain in a few words: I have been experiencing something recently that is result of me wanting to do something specific amen to do because of a reason and with the hope of getting an outcome that I wanted to somehow get to. This didn’t happen, my plan and the entire process was not what I intended it to be but I still went in,  not really sure why I did it, but I did and both occasions have left me more aware about myself and who I am and I did not even know I would ever get that, but it happened. Doesn’t make sense – but I wanted to achieve something and it did not happen but something more incredible did. I almost didn’t follow through with it when my plan was not going to be achieved, but going into life with an open mind and no structure left me learning more about myself than I actually realized, because what I discovered had been somehow forgotten in the 31 years I’ve been floating through earth without knowing too much about what to make of it.

Lessons come in weird ways – often we don’t see the value because we are so busy being victim of our own choices that we forget to take the time to find the meaning in and what life really is about. Another lesson that life showed me was in a friendship with someone I call my best friend and for the first time understand the true meaning of the word. This friendship was not in my plan, because I was so busy trying to be something I thought that was more aligned to them, and that’s where I realised how badly I see myself when I compare myself to different life than mine. Somehow I went in with no intention and no idea what I was doing and I found someone who has been the most beautiful person person to happen to me – a true friend. Not a bestie on my Instagram but someone who has opened my eyes to a place of pure love, support and enjoying life with people in the weirdest ways.

I was so lost and unsure of myself that I didn’t see any reason for them to want to be my friend, but today I can see why people would value me and the things we have done together made me see some of the good things I do; I have also been seen myself smile more than I thought I could and probably even more than in this lifetime.

We became friends by chance, luck I would actually call it and that day was the day I managed to feel a connection that I didn’t know existed. I always felt so different because I do see my life lis different and I see the world differently and I got lost in all of it and I was shown flames and lessons l – I like being humbled, because here I am with a friend who gets it. We went right in, I’m just her gay husband. This friendship gave me a lesson too, which came from an experience (true to my word in sharing experiences) over dinner.

I often felt and still feel very alone and unsure of who I really am, I start hiding a side of me from even myself, to the point that I forget it is actually a part of me and what makes me more than I ever knew. This dinner was a table of four and that night was when I realized I had made it. We sat for hours and all we did was be whoever we are; no expectation or false smiles.

We shared our story and supported each other in a way that was genuine, real and loving. I am still shocked that people can celebrate another person’s win without running and creating a different version to other people because we hate to see another person achieve something. Not this group – I genuinely felt the words in a way that I never did before, they were real. I know very well how nasty your own success can make you feel about yourself. It’s a tough one because I love celebrating people and their success, happiness and life, because I really battle to see people go through hard times and I get very emotional when I have to know that life is just this but we can make it what we want.

It's so easy – a simple m hello to someone at the shops or in a casual quick smile to someone who looks down, and asking how they are makes a big difference to someone’s day; it makes me feel so happy when someone share a bit or smile as we giggle over something silly and meaningless, because those 5 minutes are sometimes the only time we get to just be and not be in the stress of life we take everyday.

Trauma is also something I have experienced this year, in all ways possible but also just the actual understanding of what trauma is. I’ve been part of it, I have caused it and I’ve seen people suffer because of it when they don’t even know it or realise how trauma makes them who they are; and it doesn’t m mean that I’m special or gifted, because I started becoming aware of things. It’s amazing to see how we all do things based off of some sort of experience, and some of us based off a trauma response. I am bad with it because I know that at times I am too much - harsh - intense or just too much, because of a trauma, I also feel deeply emotional because of it and don’t know how to express it because emotions are not always something we have to to by. Trauma made me a person I hate, but trauma also led me to live a beautiful life – and even the hard days and horrible experiences that happen, they are quick and not forever and I will own the fact that I live a beautiful life, yes because of many different reasons, but the one is that I want to and I do it out of wanting to be better. Some trauma that made me who I am was forgotten about and when I started being aware I saw a side of myself that I have never shared, because I shoved it under the carpet and didn’t process it – and I actually just didn’t even know how to. It’s hard – but we have to deal with ourselves and our actions in life if we want to be a better version of who we are tomorrow and live with a better future but also better version of me, because I want to learn and grow everyday and in ways I didn’t know existed. This isnt because of trauma, but it is somehow related and trauma gave me the best friend I have today as an example. The goal I am trying to achieve in this life is to always true; be myself; and find solutions for things where I can offer real support, because somehow I found my life so amazing when I started doing things to prove things about me and not just expecting or asking for them, because chances are given but the reward to yourself by trying to achieve and not just taking for advantage is something I haven’t seen many people do because it’s the harder route to the result. Trauma isn’t something we are all aware of even when we are; because I had to open up my mind and try be more open minded and especially when I had other options to choose from - sticking to something even when you don’t want to makes the end a better reward.

Trust Fund? I don’t know but I am very familiar with the term - because I joke about wanting one and people often assume that’s all I’ve had in this life but somehow the phrase and the feeling made it something I had to add onto.

Now, I know I look like a trust fund baby trust me, materialistic things are the ones you can see because if you judge me on it they won’t make me hurt, because things are just things and I have a very different feeling about things lately - which is surprising to me but it’s kind of more on brand to the lowkey but kinda out there in a way that no one knows what is going on way.

I wish I had a trust fund and a bank account that could give me the confidence I always needed – but the funny thing about this is that I actually have so much more than money could ever bring and while it’s in progress still, my confidence is better when it’s just about me - I stopped letting things define me and I actually took some time to get to know who I am and what I am so that only I could define me. It sounds silly,but I wish I could go back and re-do my messy mistakes and guilt with this in mind, because while the work I do on myself for myself is hard, trying to show someone that you are growing and being better can only make them become more anti-you. It’s very much a way of hate you for your actions but will hate you for your growth too vibe. This side is where I am not going to delve deep and share too much, because I have so many things I would like to say but that’s unfortunately a side that I will keep locked up.

I don’t want you to know too much about my life and what I have and how I have and then you all go talk about it in ways that isn’t fair to me because that’s what happens - we feel better because of something we don’t know and often ends up hurting longer than the seconds of fake self-love.

Someone called me a spoilt brat, not to my face but I found out in a way that made me realise how sad it must be to say that out of all the things that could be said, but it’s a very hard one to explain if I don’t have you close enough to know this situation. I had such a laugh because yes I am a spoilt brat and I can’t deny it even if I tried. I’ve had a very good hand over me when I need it and I’ve never had to suffer or be in positions that are way too common in this life, but I can also put that out there by doing things like just existing, I get it though because I am hard to read. I look angry almost 247, and I often look like someone has pissed me off and I’m now moody when I’m actually just thinking about my overthinking. Spoilt in so many different ways and I can’t deny the truth about me and the life I live, not a trust fund or I get everything spoilt life, but the opportunity and experience and safety I have is something that makes me spoilt – but this was very funny because of the situation it happened.

The sad thing about this was that I was being painted out to be something very far from what I am by someone who benefited from me but made them hate me because of reasons I will never know, because if you give me a chance and I connect with you - I often will go way too far out of my way for you because I do that to people I like. But this was a weird one and somehow it comes from jealousy and power struggles - but really just assuming because it was easier to make me less than what I am to make them feel better for their lack of being anything because it would take effort - and we know effort isn’t nice but having the reward is, we just don’t like the journey and hard work.

I am aware enough to say that I do these things too and I often don’t even know it or if I do it’s somehow not my actual plan but – I’m human and do it without knowing, but at least I can own up to it now. I then felt angry about it because it was not fair – the things that get said about me in a time of me doing things that no one has a cooking clue about the reality of and it gets made to being me as the villain. Humbling, but it will be for everyone in a way that is going to hurt at first – I have the t-shirt already and I’m in that WhatsApp Group – but best lesson I ever had the privilege of learning because wow, I have been awful without even being aware of it and I don’t ever want to do that again.

I write this for reasons I have no idea – I had to share these words and I’m not even sure if this will be something I post or if this needs to remain somewhere safe, but it’s going to stay raw and unedited. I find myself trying to understand things and being so sad by people’s actions, because jealousy makes us so nasty that we forget that we are not the only one who thinks we need more or deserve more. We are so ugly to people we know nothing about, and we can only blame ourselves because getting to know someone and their story is actually such a wonderful way to see a side of life you don’t know exists but we would rather be horrific about everyone around us because we are all living our best victim selves, which makes us small and live a life that makes us unhappier than trying to be a better version of ourselves. Assuming because we are jealous also makes us a bad version of ourself because getting to know someone is something really beautiful when you try it.

Life is so short – we need to be more kind, and maybe that’s what I want to share. No, I will still be the same old awful me because that’s who I am – the one with that face. But you know what, that face is just me, my trauma and my trust fund looking after ourselves from people who assumed too many things. Here’s a fun one to give me some form of a creative for social media. If you think you know me, I bet you didn’t know that you trying to make me the bad guy is giving you something to do – if you assume I’m going to let you do that, I’m actually trying to figure out how to do this trend the same way as the rest of TikTok. K, bye.